He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
