I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize