matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
His nipple licking is glorious
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