his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
