Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
