...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
