I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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