so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize