ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
