last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
