my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
