I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I met the friendliest cop last night
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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