We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't turn off my feet"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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