I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
