yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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