hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
