Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
