I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
