We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
