I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Randomize
