oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
