Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
