I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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