He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
