i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
