Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize