I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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