Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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