Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
