I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i love accidental penises.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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