like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
