i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
pop tarts are not kleenex
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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