I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
