she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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