so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
