I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
