i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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