I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
