Heybabeimwearingurpanties
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
