Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
