I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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