So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
