I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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