So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
