Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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