and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
