My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
