Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
then he tried to convert me to islam
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
