he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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