come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
