The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize