after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
