Say something about gay babies.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
