I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
