I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
