Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize