my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
