Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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