My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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