I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You have to summon your inner elephant
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
