Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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