my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
